"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
"Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
"REHAB is for quitters"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
"E. coli Happens"
"Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!"
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."
"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Towers will be violated"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! "
"End rape. Say 'Yes!'"
"I KNOW JACK SHIT!"
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! "
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Assassins do it from behind!"
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"Which came first? The woman or the department store?"
"LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
"First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"
"Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."
"2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"I is a college student."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"Eschew obfuscation."
"God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
"CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason."
"We're staying together for the sake of the cats."
"It's been lovely, but I have to scream now."
"My karma ran over your dogma."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily."
"Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus."
"Welcome to Texas, now go home."
"It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own."
"Life's too short to dance with ugly men."
"Life's too short to dance with ugly women."
"My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.
Gosh, I'm going to miss her."
"When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS)."
"Beer isn't just for breakfast any more."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"Will Rogers never met a lawyer."
"Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton."
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Don't steal. The government hates competition."
"Is there life before coffee?"
"Never play leap frog with a unicorn."
"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m"
"The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful."
"I Cayman went."
"My other wife is beautiful."
"I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"
"Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle."
"Nuke the unborn baby whales."
"Geez if you belive in honkus."
"Friends don't let friends drive naked."
"Save California; when you leave take someone with you."
"I came, I saw, I did a little shopping."
"There's one in every crowd and they always find me."
"If money could talk, it would say goodbye."
"When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger."
"Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats."
"If it's too loud, you're too old."
"The worst day fishing is better than the best day working."
"Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing."
"Who cares who's on board?"
"Die Yuppie Scum."
"Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it."
"Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister."
"Women make great leaders. You're following one now."
"Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities."
"Exxon Suxx."
"Honk if you love cheeses."
"Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist."
"I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be."
"So many pedestrians, so little time."

Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks
USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident.
It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!
I break for hallucinations
My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer
Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down)
DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!!
IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!
Nuck Fewt
ORGASM DONOR
My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall
No radio. Already stolen.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
There is one in every crowd and they always find me.
I love animals - They taste great!
I'd rather step in shit than smoke it.
Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!
On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"

Confucius say...

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man with atletic finger make broad jump.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Elevator smell different to midget.
Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
When lady say no, she mean maybe when lady say maybe, she mean yes when lady say yes, she no lady.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!
There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.
Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache
He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.
It take square ass to shit a brick.
The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..
He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.
Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
Boy who play with himself pulls boner.
Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.
Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass makespectacle of self.
Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly
baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never
believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not
here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you."

"You look great for your age.......Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you ever
find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."